Princess Pincushion and the Badge of Courage

            The first shot ended with me sobbing and my head between my knees in the nurse's office at school. Cary Jean (a good friend of mine who was subbing for another teacher in my building and for Curt who was at a track meet and therefore absent for Self Injections 101 from Nurse Debbie) filmed the event on my iPhone so I could have something to reference later on. We have a natural instinct to protect our bodies, and we have a similar one I believe, which drives us to improve (or at least maintain) them. I felt some smaller part of me becoming very upset and almost invaded at what just took place. I very much wanted to stay in the fetal position and apologize to my body for the injection, the thick tar-like medicine pushed into my abdomen and the bruise that would tattle-tale on where the needle punctured. It did hurt physically and I don’t care who knows it, but the realization of what I was actually doing hurt more. "This is real. Shots two times a day is going to be my reality until...when?” My specialist said until I get pregnant, and then throughout the first trimester, and to call in August if I'm not pregnant. Ok...so 7 months? That’s 420 syringes, 81 vials and a gallon of rubbing alcohol…and an end in sight (?).

            I have to remember that hope is necessary for anyone going through infertility treatments, while also remembering previous promises, "You'll be pregnant by summer....you'll be pregnant by Christmas...you'll be pregnant by the time school's over...never mind, something's wrong with you." When walking (kicking, screaming, being dragged) down any medical path, there is little to separate suggestion and solution. We’ve been given suggestions all along, and none of those have proven worth the weight of energy it took to profess them. My mind goes back to March 2009 when a doctor told me that taking my temperature every morning would result in getting pregnant…it seems so absolutely ignorant and like child’s play compared to what was really going on inside of me. I want to clarify I am grateful to try something new, pleased that insurance did not categorize the Rx as an infertility drug, and to have a diagnosis that might explain why we have not been able to sustain a pregnancy. But it is not wisdom to “see” any finish line or put a period at the end of the sentence that begins with, “I can’t stay pregnant because…”

            After the second shot, I called my mom crying. She tried to comfort me and tell me I was brave. I couldn’t have felt more like a silly little child, crying and carrying on after each shot. The next thing she said to me is something that I will carry on my heart for as long as I live (and this applies to you too). “You don’t think you’re brave?” she asked me, with genuine surprise in her voice. “You dared to leave the very presence of God to come to this earth knowing a little of the heartache and struggles you would face here. I can’t imagine any other word for you but brave.” My momma was right. We all were once in the very presence of God, all the time, every day! And as souls agreed to leave to experience this Earth and all that came with it. I am brave… and not because I have to give myself shots, but because I am me. And being me comes with its own unique set of circumstances that will be overcome. She would advise you just the same, and I encourage you with my whole heart to look in the mirror and appreciate what you see, what you have been through, what you will go through, and Who is cheering you on from above.

            A few more shots, many soggy sweatshirt sleeves and swollen eyes later, I made up my mind- I was going to have to do this myself. I took one syringe and one vial of medicine and put them into a super shiny gold make up bag. Curt was watching a movie in the living room, I sneaked passed him went into our bathroom. I whispered, “Ok someday baby, I’m going to be brave for you. I hope this makes you come here faster.” I meditated on Philippians 4:13 and I did it. And I could not have been more proud of myself. Shots 6, 7, and 8 came the same way. I am brave, and every trial makes me even more so.