Not Like Silver

"I have refined you, but not like silver. I have tested you in the furnace of suffering." -Isaiah 48:10
"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." - 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Today we took a dip into that furnace of suffering, but we chose not to linger there.
March 27 marked "Day 1" that we became fully available to adopt a baby. Everything that Curt and I could possibly control or influence was done. We knew we couldn’t become parents during the paperwork stage, or the home study months, but now…now we’re in. I don’t know how else to relate it to a natural parent but saying, pretend you’re finally pregnant, but you have no idea when your due date is. Even then it doesn’t really compute. Ok-try this: Imagine Christmas morning and everything that comes with it. Now, pretend you can’t know when Christmas is…just that it’s coming. Ugh- that still doesn’t even come close.

I emailed my principals and let them know that from here on out, we could be matched on any day. That the most time we would have is three months (because Bethany doesn’t start matching until the 3^rd trimester) and the least amount of time we would have is however long it takes to reach the birthplace from Branson. The uncertainty itself was an unexpected high and we checked our email several times an hour. And, on day one, we got our first “situation”.

Side note: “Situations” are BABIES!

March 27-When Bethany has a birth mom who is in the appropriate place in her counseling and decision making journey, they email all of the waiting families in her pool to see if they are open to that situation. Adoptive parents have a certain amount of hours to decide if they are interested. In this case, the situation was a baby girl due in early June. Birth mom had prenatal care from the beginning, no drugs, alcohol or tobacco were used and both biological parents were on board with making an adoption plan. We had 5 hours to decide whether or not we wanted to move forward. It took us 5 seconds to decide to jump in. This was round one. It was happening!

March 28- Round two…(ding, ding, ding) The adoptive families saying they were interested get more information. We learned the first names of the bio-parents, their ages, and why they were choosing not to parent. We learned a little about their interests and hobbies, and of any medical conditions that may affect the baby. We had 4 hours to decide whether or not we wanted to move forward. Yes, keep us in.
Rounds 3, 4 and 5 are a series of whittling down who is still in the pool by the biological parents. Rounds 3 and 4 involve profiles and the Shutterfly books that the adoptive parents have made and Round 5 has one winner…an adoptive momma and daddy. Here is where we play “hurry up and wait.”

March 29- No news

April 02- (1 week in) We get email from our caseworker saying the birth mother has not yet ruled anyone out. No news is good news! As long as we don’t hear from them, we’re still in!

Let’s start narrowing down our girl names just in case. And should we get the nursery bedding? June is soon.
April 11- (2+ weeks in) We get another email from our caseworker saying that there is no news, and the birth mom was missing her adoption counseling appointments. RED FLAG. Honestly, at this point I’m thinking “Seriously?! I could look through the short profiles (and we can on Bethany’s website) and know within a few minutes who I at least did NOT want…!” Frustration started gnawing at this awesome faith and patience we were so proud of.

April 17- (3 weeks in) another email from our caseworker saying that the birthmom missed another appointment, and no progress had been made on this situation. Having never been through anything like this before, we had no reference point, which was maddening. “Are we doing this right?! Are we waiting “correctly”? How patient is patient? What more can we be doing?!” And all of these loaded questions came with loaded answers, all centered on the same thing: Just keep waiting. There is nothing you can do.

April 23- (1 month in) I received an email from our caseworker today. While I waited for it to load through Bethany’s email portal, there was a definite pit in my stomach and I was short of breath. I said over and over again in my mind, “ please let it just be about another baby, please let there be another baby.” (For these “rounds” where the birth mom is choosing, you get messages via text or email when you’re out, and a phone call when you’re in. So this message could be our exit from this June baby girl or information about another situation.

Please be another baby, please be another baby.

Dear Curt and Mary,
Dear Waiting Families -
I am writing to report that __________ has decided to place her baby with a family friend. If anything changes in her circumstances we will certainly let you know. We appreciate all of you being open to _______ and her baby.

Please let us know if you have any questions.

We were out. We all were. Every other family in our pool was back on the bench, jerseys off, begging the coach of all coaches for another chance to play in the game. Disappointment punched me in the stomach and pulled tears out in skinny rivers that had nowhere else to go but on my desk at school. We’re out.

I texted and emailed the people who are in our “need to know” circle: the almost grandparents and aunts, a few friends who have walked with us from the beginning, my bosses, some prayer warriors from church, and our precious mentor, Laura Baker. (I’m searching for a human sized spatula for her to use when she lovingly scrapes me off the ceiling…bless her heart…what a trooper.)
Love and encouragement came immediately and calmed my heart from all over. I remembered words from a song based on a scripture, He gives and takes away…but my heart will choose to say, blessed be His name.

I didn’t like the burning of the furnace, the singeing of my heart, the burning tears, and the flushed, crumpled face- so I got out of it. I remembered to, a poem that hung in my mother’s bedroom while growing up, it said, “After awhile you learn… that when disappointments come, meet them with the grace of a woman not the grief of a child.”

So…grace of a woman + choosing to bless His name= no wallowing (or very limited wallowing, for those who are still learning).

So here I sit. Students are gone, husbands at a track meet, and I’m blogging- getting this story out hoping to end up on an even plane where I’m not simply tolerating God’s will but embracing it, and loving every twist and turn along the way.

And He reminded me of His special purposes for me (Jeremiah 29:11), His plans to give me a HOPE and a future. He reminds me again; through a fleeting disappointment that Curt and I are not like silver…not at all.

Adoption Ettiquette 101

Adoption ettiquette? Absolutely.

Touchy subject number 1: Congratulations? I'm sorry! ---What to say when someone announces they are adopting.

Imagine that you and your spouse have planned a vacation to Disney Land. You have carefully budgeted down to the cent costs for travel, food, and entertainment. You know what you are packing, and how you are going to spend each day. This was not a coin-tossed vacation; you have planned every aspect of it.You have chosen Disney Land because it fits perfectly into what your family wants in a vacation. You are and should be so excited! You announce to your friends and family that you are going to California and couldn't be happier. A well meaning relative smiles at you and turns their head to the side and says, "You know, the daughter of a girl I work with planned a trip to Disney Land and as soon as they booked the trip, they found out they were going to DISNEY WORLD!" You smile and nod. A co worker the next day, says the same thing: their cousin planned the same trip to Disney Land and as soon as they were boarding the plane, found out they were going to Disney WORLD." Ok at this point the vacation planner is probably getting irritated. So is the adoptive parent.

Let's apply the vacation scenario to adopting. If someone tells you that they are adopting...THEY ARE ADOPTING! Statistics show that only 5% of couples who have adopted because they cannot successfully produce biological children (me included) on their own end up EVER doing so. The reason "everyone has a someone that this has happened to" is because it is much like a happy fairy tale- those are the ones that everyone is talking about. It is not helpful, hopeful or supportive to the adoptive parent (especially if they can not have biological children) to hear this. Our minds and hearts have a trip booked. We are going to Disney Land and it is ok to be happy for us! WE are happy for us! When things are said along those lines; it is as if you are apologizing to us that we don't get to go on the same trip as you might have. I am that mother who is not settling for one place over another; God made my body and allowed for the abnormalities and defects that exist within it. God wants Curt and I to adopt. God has lead us to this place. Offering sympathy for the disease and the problems it causes is acceptable and appropriate, but feeling sorry for how we overcome this obstacle and become parents isn't. Please do not offer sympathy or false hope to those who could be fragile and afraid to hope for anything at all! It is appropriate to be happy for someone who announces adoption; just as much as it is for you to be happy for someone who announces a pregnancy. Announcing plans to adopt is as close as most adoptive parents get to annoucing that they are expecting a baby.

My response to those who tell me wonderful Disney WORLD stories, "I am not filling out adoption paper work to "trick" my body into thinking it's ok to be pregnant. This really is something we are going through with. And I am so glad that Disney WORLD worked out for whomever you are talking about. I know I will be as happy as they are when I become a parent too."

And I will be. I am going to Disney LAND and I am thrilled about the trip that God, Curt and I booked TOGETHER!

In love, princess very imperfect, mare

Dear Birth Mother,

Dear Birth Mother,

Every time I start to think about what I should write to you, the page seems to grow more blank and I freeze up. I usually have no trouble conveying what's on my mind or heart- but there was a mountain standing between you and me that I was not sure how to begin climbing. It is trite to say, " I can't imagine how you feel," because I really truly and genuinely can't. Why God has designed this house for my soul in such a way, I might not ever know. For weeks I resisted writing to you, and it's time I sit myself down and figure out what this mountain between you and I is built of, and maybe through the letter itself, some pieces will break away.

One of the most frustrating parts of the adoption process is being at the mercy of strangers. I am relying on God to work through people I have never met, who know very little about my heart to bring to me something I'm not sure I even have the right to ask for. Who am I to ask another woman for her child? Just like I can only imagine being pregnant, I can only imagine how strange it must feel to have me ask you to bless me with your baby. A baby knitted together inside your body, that you worried and prayed and cried over, that you now must experience surreal pain to bring into this world. And now you are making wonderfully complicated and frightening choices. Do you choose to parent, or trust God to lead you to someone else to? Who is good enough for your baby?

If I were in your shoes, the answer would be "no one" and it would be shot straight from my heart and off my lips without a thought. This would be a very hard mountain for me to learn to look over. I want to tell you a little about us, so we might not seem like such strangers. Let me tell you about my husband, Curt first and what kind of daddy he is going to be. Then, let me tell you about who I am as a pre-adoptive mother, and let me tell you about gifts that have been given to my husband and I that have paved the way for me to be where I am today, spiritually, mentally and emotionally.

My name is Mary Elizabeth Ivey, and I am married to Curtis Patrick Ivey. If there are princes really upon this earth, I married one. He is a gentle giant, with an incredibly strong heart. He has a unique relationship with God, and His son, and has the truest desire to be a daddy. I promise you, love, that he is a protector and is fiercely dedicated to the family we have now. My husband would sacrifice anything to keep harm far from our home and those within it. Your baby would sleep safe in his strong arms, and the baby would ride high on solid shoulders through parks and in the zoos so the baby could see everything- even the shyer more small animals behind fences. Curt would stand outside all day waiting for the baby's favorite animal to come out, no matter how long it took. Your baby would sit in amazing seats at Cardinals games with a baseball mitt, and if a ball came anywhere close to us, Curt would make sure that baby caught the ball- and would then make sure the camera crew put it on the big screen for all of St. Louis to see. Your baby will sit on a loving lap dunking Oreos in milk or sharing a piece of strawberry shortcake in the evenings with an adoring daddy who will read the bed time stories that we have already started saving. Curt will be the dad that makes Christmas so magical- he will somehow manage to have footsteps on our roof top every Christmas eve just to see the delight and excitement sparkle in little eyes. Then, he will stay awake until morning building the train set, or bicycle or doll house that will be waiting under the tree when the baby wakes up. Your baby will be a welcome face at so many football, wrestling, and track events watching and "helping" daddy coach the big kids. Your baby's voice will be one that is etched into his heart and mind instantly and one that he will always be listening for. Curt has been nurtured by so many wonderful male role models ready to support him and he is as ready as a potential dad could ever be to adore a baby.

What kind of momma will I be? There are a few images that play over and over in my mind when I think about having a baby to love. I want to sit in a sweet nursery next to an open window with white curtains in a rocking chair that has a little creak to it and rock a warm little body to sleep while singing lullabies that I've been saving up in my heart for so long. I want to bring lunch to sweaty little faces playing all day in a beautiful tree house (or super tough fort, whatever). I want to fuss over things like wearing jackets when it starts getting little colder and sniffly noses. I want to be that mom who takes 4, 000 pictures on the first day of kindergarten and cries hysterically when I have to drop them off. I want to comfort over splinters, skinned knees, and hopefully not very many disappointments. I want to take the baby to the pumpkin patch I went to as a little girl and all through growing up and taken their picture next to Halloween displays that say, "Please don't sit on the display", just like my dad did 25 years ago. I want to take the baby to the hundreds of people who already love him or her and have been praying for them for so long, and say, "Here...here is our baby!" I want the loving and antiquated hands of my grandfather to bless the baby in church, just as he blessed all of us- my sister, mother, and so many cousins. I don't know a stronger word than promise- if there is one, understand me, please, I more than promise that this child will be the joy of our hearts and the jewel of our home.

How have we arrived at adoption? God designed my body, so I hesitate to call it "broken", although I have in the past, but my body is unable to carry a baby for any length of time. I have a genetic blood condition that just won't allow it, not even with painful injections for months. We met a loving and genuine couple who have adopted through Bethany and we knew after we talked with them for the first time, that this was the direction we were to go. After prayer, and the gift of peace, we hit the ground running. It astounds me that He took a tragedy and something that could have destroyed my faith and hurt our marriage into such an amazing and interesting story. I feel that we are being CHOSEN to adopt- this is not a consolation price for us- we WANT this! Soon, I will tell you some of the most amazing testimonies that prove to us daily that this is the plan, and this is the path. We choose to trust in the Lord with all of our hearts, and lean not on our own understanding. We know that He will direct our paths and yours too.

You are brave, and giving beyond description. You remember that, regardless of whom you choose, or who might say differently. You have been chosen to deliver an unimaginably amazing gift to another family. God must be so proud of you!

Plan B: The Bakers, Bethany, and Vitamin B

Plan B begins with the Baker family.
We met Dr. and Mrs. Baker a few Fridays ago, through our mutual friend and bonus-mom, Kaye Sharp. The Bakers have just adopted their second baby and were glad to share their stories of adoption with us. Mrs. Baker has a blood disorder similar to mine, and has actually been on the same drugs and treatments as I have (Heparin included). They endured several incomplete pregnancies and years of heartache before adopting their daughter through Bethany Christian Services. Just a month ago, they adopted their son through the same agency. We sat at the Branson landing Starbucks and learned all about open adoption vs. closed, private vs. going through an agency, and the truth about the costs involved with this process. It was nice to hear success stories and see the actual product of the massive amounts of protocol and lengthy procedures linked with adoption. We decided this after our visit: We will continue with Heparin this summer, and start saving now to complete the paper work for adoption if and when we do venture down that route. We can't think of a "down" side to preparing for adoption. We have contacted Bethany and are now working our way towards the hundreds of dollars it takes to complete the paper work. It is our understanding that private adoption is less expensive, and so our eyes and ears are open for women who are pregnant and aren't wanting or aren't able to raise their babies.

To help us reach our $600.00 paper work goal, we are going to have a big garage sale in June. I'm working on a quilt as a raffle prize. The center block will have the scripture, "This is the day that the Lord hath made, I will rejoice and be glad in it!" embroidered on it. The rest of the quilt will be bright and colorful 9 patch blocks that some students have volunteered to help me make once school is out. We'll sell the tickets at our garage sale. I also have gone back to work at Chili's here in Branson waiting tables. I was so nervous to go back, scared to death I would mess up. Thanks be to God my few mistakes were minor and unnoticeable to anyone but me. It is like riding a bike! A bike that is very, very busy and smells like fajitas. My energy levels are from God above, and a Vitamin B pill before every shift. I like seeing my kids in the restaurant and I like the people I work with. I'm used to a higher volume store (Lees Summit, MO) so I'm not making exactly what I had anticipated, but every little bit helps and I'm so grateful for this opportunity.

We do so appreciate the support and the prayers. I know that God made my body and He can rearrange it, if that is what is best for us. We rely so much on your prayers, and interest; forgive us if our response to your inquiries isn't immediate (or even timely). We appreciate every ounce of care sent our way. We are in survival mode at school, and focused on putting one foot in front of the other. Summer should shape us back into our human forms, so bear with us as we wrap this school year up. Emotionally, we're taking it one hour at a time. We'll know June 2 if this last Heparin treatment was successful or not.

So, for now, Plan B includes the blessings of the Baker family, investigation of the Bethany Christian Adoption Services and Vitamin B to get me through those days where I teach during the day and serve at night. Thank you for praying for us! More on Plan B will surely follow.

Princess Pincushion and the Badge of Courage

            The first shot ended with me sobbing and my head between my knees in the nurse's office at school. Cary Jean (a good friend of mine who was subbing for another teacher in my building and for Curt who was at a track meet and therefore absent for Self Injections 101 from Nurse Debbie) filmed the event on my iPhone so I could have something to reference later on. We have a natural instinct to protect our bodies, and we have a similar one I believe, which drives us to improve (or at least maintain) them. I felt some smaller part of me becoming very upset and almost invaded at what just took place. I very much wanted to stay in the fetal position and apologize to my body for the injection, the thick tar-like medicine pushed into my abdomen and the bruise that would tattle-tale on where the needle punctured. It did hurt physically and I don’t care who knows it, but the realization of what I was actually doing hurt more. "This is real. Shots two times a day is going to be my reality until...when?” My specialist said until I get pregnant, and then throughout the first trimester, and to call in August if I'm not pregnant. Ok...so 7 months? That’s 420 syringes, 81 vials and a gallon of rubbing alcohol…and an end in sight (?).

            I have to remember that hope is necessary for anyone going through infertility treatments, while also remembering previous promises, "You'll be pregnant by summer....you'll be pregnant by Christmas...you'll be pregnant by the time school's over...never mind, something's wrong with you." When walking (kicking, screaming, being dragged) down any medical path, there is little to separate suggestion and solution. We’ve been given suggestions all along, and none of those have proven worth the weight of energy it took to profess them. My mind goes back to March 2009 when a doctor told me that taking my temperature every morning would result in getting pregnant…it seems so absolutely ignorant and like child’s play compared to what was really going on inside of me. I want to clarify I am grateful to try something new, pleased that insurance did not categorize the Rx as an infertility drug, and to have a diagnosis that might explain why we have not been able to sustain a pregnancy. But it is not wisdom to “see” any finish line or put a period at the end of the sentence that begins with, “I can’t stay pregnant because…”

            After the second shot, I called my mom crying. She tried to comfort me and tell me I was brave. I couldn’t have felt more like a silly little child, crying and carrying on after each shot. The next thing she said to me is something that I will carry on my heart for as long as I live (and this applies to you too). “You don’t think you’re brave?” she asked me, with genuine surprise in her voice. “You dared to leave the very presence of God to come to this earth knowing a little of the heartache and struggles you would face here. I can’t imagine any other word for you but brave.” My momma was right. We all were once in the very presence of God, all the time, every day! And as souls agreed to leave to experience this Earth and all that came with it. I am brave… and not because I have to give myself shots, but because I am me. And being me comes with its own unique set of circumstances that will be overcome. She would advise you just the same, and I encourage you with my whole heart to look in the mirror and appreciate what you see, what you have been through, what you will go through, and Who is cheering you on from above.

            A few more shots, many soggy sweatshirt sleeves and swollen eyes later, I made up my mind- I was going to have to do this myself. I took one syringe and one vial of medicine and put them into a super shiny gold make up bag. Curt was watching a movie in the living room, I sneaked passed him went into our bathroom. I whispered, “Ok someday baby, I’m going to be brave for you. I hope this makes you come here faster.” I meditated on Philippians 4:13 and I did it. And I could not have been more proud of myself. Shots 6, 7, and 8 came the same way. I am brave, and every trial makes me even more so.

I am a Mutant

While tempering the newly cultivated opinions and passions of my 7th graders learning about First Amendment rights while studying the shenanigans of the Westboro Baptist Church, Dr. Simckes called.

 "Cancel your surgery," he said. "You tested positive for the genetic mutation disorder I told you."

 trying to hush my kids, turning down the rantings of the crazy Phelps woman on the screen, where's my pen...how do you spell thrombophilia?

"Ok," I said. "What do we do?" and my throat tightened.

He went on to tell me that I have a genetic mutation disorder called Thrombophilia, more commonly known as Factor V Leiden, which is a blood clotting condition. He said that at any time when I was using birth control in the past I could have died, and that for every day for the rest of my life I need to take a baby aspirin. He wants me on folic acid and pre-natal vitamins every day. "And you're going to have to give yourself 2 shots of Heparin twice a day in the stomach." I'm sorry, what?!

"How long do I do this? How many months until I call you and say it doesn't work?"

"I believe you'll be pregnant in a few months." I have heard that before...when I was put on Clomid...when I was put on Metformin...when I was put on Femara...

Dr. Simckes called in the injections to our Walgreens. I asked our school nurse if she would teach Curt and I how to do this crazy thing. We should practice giving shots to oranges, so we know how deep to go.

 "That will be $580.00," says the pharmacist. Yes, of course, insurance wants a pre-authorization letter from the ordering doctor...except it can't be Simckes, he's connected with a Fertility Clinic. We stopped the pharmacist mid-phone call. I'll call my PCP on Monday, and beg him to do me another favor...order the same Rx that Simckes did, and leave off anything with the words "fertility", or "pregnancy". So the medicine I should have been on 2 years ago, after stopping the birth control that I never should have been on, will have to wait a few more days...

Crash Course in Factor V…

 All women carrying a gene for Factor V Leiden may need to wear special stockings to prevent clots during the last half of pregnancy. Sweet. "Special Stockings"...they better come in not stupid colors.

Only 5%, or 1 in 1 million women in North America have this disorder, and it's predominantly a Caucasian thing.

Considering that the risk of developing an abnormal blood clot averages about 1 in 1,000 per year in the general population, the presence of one copy of the factor V Leiden mutation increases that risk to 1 in 125 to 1 in 250. Having two copies of the mutation may raise the risk as high as 1 in 12. I have only 1 mutation. So I get the aspirin daily, not the Coumadin. Yaaaaaay.

"So I'm a mutant," I thought while chewing my orange flavored baby aspirin. "I wonder what my super powers are going to be."

The Lillies of the Field (did not hyperventalate)

Written on March 23, posted on March 31

Today is March 23. I have a devotion book that I received from my sister Sarah, and today's message touched me.

I am a God of both intricate detail and overflowing abundance. When you entrust the details of your life to Me, you are surprised by how thoroughly I answer your petitions.

Intricate detail...He designed this body, and knows why it isn't working. He knows every fiber of my being. And in abundance are His resources, His gifts of healing, and His attention. I need to trust that the details of this journey (right now the worry and fear of cost is dominating my thoughts).

I take pleasure in hearing your prayers, so feel free to being Me all your requests. The more you pray, the more answers you can receive.

I'm stuck at "all" of my requests. I almost want to say, "Are you sure?...Because I am super needy." Is it true that the more we pray, the more we will receive from Him?

Best of all, your faith is strengthened as you see how precisely I respond to your specific prayers.
Right now, I am running on empty in the faith department. I know I can't expect anything from Him if I don't believe with my whole heart.

Because I am infinite in all My ways, you need not fear that I will run out of resources.Abundance is at the very heart of who I am.
I know that God can't run out of anything, because He built and created everything. I need to remember the lillies of the field. None of them ever freaked out about anything, and neither did the birds. I have got to start believing that He loves me too and will provide just as abundantly for me.

Come to me in joyful expectation of receiving all that you need--and sometimes much more! I delight in showering blessings on my beloved children.
When I think of joyful expectation, I think of being a kid having a birthday party. I remember what it was like getting ready for that day, seeing your friends, and opening presents. God wants to give us presents. God wants to give me presents, too. Right? God wants to give me my heart's desire? What if children are not part of the plan he has for my little family? If it isn't, Lord, please help me realize that and accept it sooner rather than later.

Come to me with open hands and heart, ready to receive all that I have for you.
I'm going home this weekend to have my Poppa and my patriarch give us a special blessing and administration. I need to have joyful expectation like I am going to a birthday party. I hope that the Lord gives me a present that I understand.