Adoption Ettiquette 101

Adoption ettiquette? Absolutely.

Touchy subject number 1: Congratulations? I'm sorry! ---What to say when someone announces they are adopting.

Imagine that you and your spouse have planned a vacation to Disney Land. You have carefully budgeted down to the cent costs for travel, food, and entertainment. You know what you are packing, and how you are going to spend each day. This was not a coin-tossed vacation; you have planned every aspect of it.You have chosen Disney Land because it fits perfectly into what your family wants in a vacation. You are and should be so excited! You announce to your friends and family that you are going to California and couldn't be happier. A well meaning relative smiles at you and turns their head to the side and says, "You know, the daughter of a girl I work with planned a trip to Disney Land and as soon as they booked the trip, they found out they were going to DISNEY WORLD!" You smile and nod. A co worker the next day, says the same thing: their cousin planned the same trip to Disney Land and as soon as they were boarding the plane, found out they were going to Disney WORLD." Ok at this point the vacation planner is probably getting irritated. So is the adoptive parent.

Let's apply the vacation scenario to adopting. If someone tells you that they are adopting...THEY ARE ADOPTING! Statistics show that only 5% of couples who have adopted because they cannot successfully produce biological children (me included) on their own end up EVER doing so. The reason "everyone has a someone that this has happened to" is because it is much like a happy fairy tale- those are the ones that everyone is talking about. It is not helpful, hopeful or supportive to the adoptive parent (especially if they can not have biological children) to hear this. Our minds and hearts have a trip booked. We are going to Disney Land and it is ok to be happy for us! WE are happy for us! When things are said along those lines; it is as if you are apologizing to us that we don't get to go on the same trip as you might have. I am that mother who is not settling for one place over another; God made my body and allowed for the abnormalities and defects that exist within it. God wants Curt and I to adopt. God has lead us to this place. Offering sympathy for the disease and the problems it causes is acceptable and appropriate, but feeling sorry for how we overcome this obstacle and become parents isn't. Please do not offer sympathy or false hope to those who could be fragile and afraid to hope for anything at all! It is appropriate to be happy for someone who announces adoption; just as much as it is for you to be happy for someone who announces a pregnancy. Announcing plans to adopt is as close as most adoptive parents get to annoucing that they are expecting a baby.

My response to those who tell me wonderful Disney WORLD stories, "I am not filling out adoption paper work to "trick" my body into thinking it's ok to be pregnant. This really is something we are going through with. And I am so glad that Disney WORLD worked out for whomever you are talking about. I know I will be as happy as they are when I become a parent too."

And I will be. I am going to Disney LAND and I am thrilled about the trip that God, Curt and I booked TOGETHER!

In love, princess very imperfect, mare