The Princess' New Clothes...(didn't matter)

Three days before my appointment...

I received some _________(fill in the blank, I don't have a pleasant or polite take on this yet) news just a few days before my appointment that disoriented my courage and calm. Convulsing with disappointment, and ugh- the dreaded emotion I despise more than anything...envy, I cried and raged into my pillow. Another "unexpected, unplanned, accidental" pregnancy that wasn't exactly occurring on the peripheral was announced. My heart and mind immediately went to my grandparents whom I adore with my whole soul. What causes a significant portion of my grief and angst over this situation is that they might not ever hold my babies. But now they probably will hold this one. My Poppa might not be here to bless my babies...but will probably be blessing this one. My babies might not have their pictures taken with their great grandparents, but this one probably will. It's typical Mre-Proctocal to throw a raging fit and cry "why me?" or in this case, "why not me". I don't think these "special reactions" will ever completely stop, but their length is shortening as I continue to grow (up). After the sob-fest, I realize and remember that probablies and maybes are useless. I am reminded too, that God doesn't give people babies because they are nice people, who have good jobs, who are Christian or because they are educated. He doesn't give babies because people "deserve" them. They aren't rewards, and they aren't punishments. And this particular situation? I wouldn't have wanted this person's life over mine in another other circumstance, so why start now? So I won't. Thank you, mom for chasing me around the house with a Xanax, and to my sister Sarah for peeling me off the ceiling and turning my pillow over when it got soggy, my sister Autumn and cousin Jenny for talking with me on the phone.  

One day before...

Before the visit to the clinic, I caught myself in a familiar pattern that I'm having trouble labeling. It's either denial or stupidity, or a naive combination of both. As I've mentioned before, I convince myself that if something looks pretty, nothing bad can happen to it. So, the night before our consultation, my cousin Lydia and I made a ton of breakfast food: a sausage egg casserole, potatoes with green and red peppers, fresh fruit, orange juice and raspberry yogurt. I bought a new outfit from Maurice’s. New jeggings (highly recommended by the way) a white tank top that went under a springy green lace tank top and a little chocolate milk colored jacket. I felt confident and prepared.

The morning of...

I threw up before we got in the car, and my doctor could have cared less about my jeggings...he still conducted an ultra sound and took 13 tubes of blood. (I'm sure if he would have noticed my super cute earrings along with everything else, he would have thought, no this girl is too put together and she's SO NICE! I don't need to see anything here...right?!) It's always such a shock when this defense mechanism doesn't work, I honestly don't know why I continue to feed it.

During...

Dr. Simckes asked us questions. We asked him some too. Some of those were super fun for Curt to answer in front of my parents (I'm sure they will sleep better understanding the complexity incorporated with sperm count and motility as it pertains to their son in law) We all had put money on which "fertility phrase" was going to get my dad out of his chair and back into the waiting room. To their credit, both men stayed put and endured to the uncomfortable end. No one giggled either when Dr. Simckes waved a model of the female reproductive organs around like a flag while he explained how they worked. (Seriously, we filmed this whole thing- its classic.)

His first direction was to rule out 2 genetic factors; one was clotting and the other would account for multiple pregnancy loss, hence the 13 tubes of blood. The ultra sound was equally pleasant (Curt's first experience with that realm too) but showed no signs of abnormality to explain this (temporary!) infertility.

After...

We have been since told that my blood work was all normal. He would like to schedule an operative laparoscopy before June to address endometriosis. Where we go from there is dependent upon the results from that surgery and the tests related to it. If I do not have endometriosis, then it's back to the drawing board which points towards IVF. If I do, then hopefully the surgery will put everything back in its proper place and it will just be a matter of time.

Today...

I am not sure what today is quite yet...I am becoming myself, one day at a time.