I am a Mutant

While tempering the newly cultivated opinions and passions of my 7th graders learning about First Amendment rights while studying the shenanigans of the Westboro Baptist Church, Dr. Simckes called.

 "Cancel your surgery," he said. "You tested positive for the genetic mutation disorder I told you."

 trying to hush my kids, turning down the rantings of the crazy Phelps woman on the screen, where's my pen...how do you spell thrombophilia?

"Ok," I said. "What do we do?" and my throat tightened.

He went on to tell me that I have a genetic mutation disorder called Thrombophilia, more commonly known as Factor V Leiden, which is a blood clotting condition. He said that at any time when I was using birth control in the past I could have died, and that for every day for the rest of my life I need to take a baby aspirin. He wants me on folic acid and pre-natal vitamins every day. "And you're going to have to give yourself 2 shots of Heparin twice a day in the stomach." I'm sorry, what?!

"How long do I do this? How many months until I call you and say it doesn't work?"

"I believe you'll be pregnant in a few months." I have heard that before...when I was put on Clomid...when I was put on Metformin...when I was put on Femara...

Dr. Simckes called in the injections to our Walgreens. I asked our school nurse if she would teach Curt and I how to do this crazy thing. We should practice giving shots to oranges, so we know how deep to go.

 "That will be $580.00," says the pharmacist. Yes, of course, insurance wants a pre-authorization letter from the ordering doctor...except it can't be Simckes, he's connected with a Fertility Clinic. We stopped the pharmacist mid-phone call. I'll call my PCP on Monday, and beg him to do me another favor...order the same Rx that Simckes did, and leave off anything with the words "fertility", or "pregnancy". So the medicine I should have been on 2 years ago, after stopping the birth control that I never should have been on, will have to wait a few more days...

Crash Course in Factor V…

 All women carrying a gene for Factor V Leiden may need to wear special stockings to prevent clots during the last half of pregnancy. Sweet. "Special Stockings"...they better come in not stupid colors.

Only 5%, or 1 in 1 million women in North America have this disorder, and it's predominantly a Caucasian thing.

Considering that the risk of developing an abnormal blood clot averages about 1 in 1,000 per year in the general population, the presence of one copy of the factor V Leiden mutation increases that risk to 1 in 125 to 1 in 250. Having two copies of the mutation may raise the risk as high as 1 in 12. I have only 1 mutation. So I get the aspirin daily, not the Coumadin. Yaaaaaay.

"So I'm a mutant," I thought while chewing my orange flavored baby aspirin. "I wonder what my super powers are going to be."